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LOS ANGELES, March 7 (EP Newswire) -Mel Gibson's "Passion of the Christ" continues it reign as the top movie at the box office taking in $51.4 million in its second weekend. The film has surpassed the $200 million mark in just 12 days.
Confidential Memo
To: Harry Mayburn, President, Pollyanna Pictures
From: Leo Wallace, V.P. Production, Pollyanna Pictures
Re: The Peaceful Buddha
Hi Harry,
Brilliant idea! Here's what I've been able to find out about Buddha so far. Overall, likeable guy with an excellent demographic of more than 613 million ticket buyers, I mean followers. Am I bad or what?
Before I get to the plot, there are some casting issues that could lead to a little marketing challenge. My wife has a statue of Buddha in the backyard and there's no getting around the fact that the mature Buddha has a bit of a weight problem.
I've got a couple of interns doing some research to see how he looked growing up, but if it turns out we have to stay with a chunky Buddha for the sake of authenticity, we're prepared to go with Alec Baldwin for the later years. That'll skew well with the male demographic and then we just have to introduce a young, hunky spiritual apprentice for the ladies. I'm thinking Johnny Depp, Tobey Maguire or possibly Frankie Muniz from Malcom in the Middle, although I heard a rumor he's actually 42 years old.
The good news is you're going to love the story of Buddha -- think "Prince and the Pauper" meets "Lord of the Rings" minus the $150 million they had to spend creating hobbit feet.
Buddha starts out as a prince named Siddartha around 500 BC. Young Sid is a bit of a dreamer and his father, the King - I'm seeing Sean Connery, maybe Ben Kingsley, although I heard he's become a handful to work with after being knighted- is worried that his son is going to abandon the good life and his royal status to focus on religion 24/7.
Picture young Sid in a beautiful palace oblivious to the three dozen voluptuous beauties that pamper him and feed him dates like he's a sea lion at Marine World. He stares forlornly out the window watching the poor peasants suffering and dodging elephants in the courtyard below him. Sid feels their pain and vows to leave the trappings and avarice of high society to experience the real world on his own.
The king is so worried about losing Sid he marries him off to a charming beautiful princess, (perhaps Britney Spears if we limit the lines, Renee Zellweger if we don't, let's discuss) and they spend 12 years together until Sid can no longer stomach the obsession with vanity and materialism.
Sid makes ready to leave, but his father stations guards at every door of the palace to prevent his escape.
Harry, according to our researchers, the day Sid is to leave, a supernatural event occurs. Thirty-three gods descend from the sky to put all the guards to sleep and hold the hooves of Sid's horse so he can leap over the palace wall undetected.
While quite an astounding feat, cinematically that scene is a bit of a yawner. For the sake of our crossover, action oriented, non Buddhist audience, I strongly suggest we substitute the "sleeping beauty" scene with a death defying "Matrix", "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" sequence in which Sid hacks and fights his way through a couple of hundred nasty, sword wielding guards before he makes it out of the palace.
The audience will go bananas at the end of that scene, guaranteed, so why lose that opportunity by sticking to a couple of high flying deities sprinkling Sominex on everybody. Leave that sort of thing to the highbrows over at Merchant Ivory.
So now Sid is thirty years old, living in austerity with the poor people and actually... that's all I have for now. We do know that somewhere along the line Sid changes his name to Buddha, and becomes a spiritual leader -albeit with some diet related willpower issues, although who knows, it could be gout. Let's trust the writers and the researchers to do their jobs so we can focus on the important things like marketing.
Now since Buddha is known as a bit of a tree hugger, the marketing team is pushing hard for an Arbor Day opening. We're thinking about doing something with the Burpee seed people -maybe Buddha lotus seeds, we're still hashing it out. On the fast food side of the fence, we pitched a Buddha kid's meal toy made entirely of soy products but the execs were concerned that the toy would actually be more nutritious than their hamburgers. I told them we'd just stick with plastic.
I see nothing but green lights and greenbacks, Harry. God bless Mel! Wait, you're not going to believe this. One of the interns just came in and told me that Sid became a Buddha after being reincarnated many, many times. Harry, we've got a franchise on our hands!
John Hartnett is the owner of Early Bird Publishing, a manufacturer of humorous greeting cards. He can be reached at johnhartnett@earlybirdpublishing.com
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