I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that when you woke up this morning being kidnapped by pirates probably wasn't on your list of Things to Worry About. Don't beat yourself up over this. Many Americans are blind to threat that pirates have caused and continue to cause to our National Security. In fact, I'm pretty sure I read somewhere that only 1 out of every 100 Americans has proper Pirate Kidnapping, Looting & Pillaging insurance coverage.
I will admit that for a while there I was ignorant of the Pirate Plague that is sweeping the waters of the world. I thought that all pirates wore eye-patches, parrots on their shoulders, and said things like 'Ye be walkin yonder plank matey' while brandishing bloody cutlasses. I will also admit that I thought that we as Americans were finished with the whole pirate problem every since Jefferson licked the Barbary pirates in 1805. I had no idea that we were still facing a pirate epidemic.
I won't waste your time with actual events and statistics, (if you want those you can google 'recent pirate attacks ' and and sift through the 663,000 results yourself) but I will tell you that if you are thinking about taking the yacht out for the weekend perhaps you should reconsider. You may think that there is really nothing of value aboard your boat but then again you're not a starving pirate who hasn't had a good meal since 1805 and who would kill for a good GPS unit.
You may think that your wife is getting a little thick around the mids but to a pack of crazed pirates who don't get HBO, have never heard of the Pussycat Dolls, and haven't seen a woman without fins and flippers in about 15 years, your wife looks like a tasty dish worth making you walk the plank over.
Your kids may drive you insane and might be the reason you developed a dirty little prescription drug habit late in life but to a rapidly dwindling crew of pirates they represent free labor. Your daughter's teenage tantrums are a small price to pay for having the decks swabbed daily and the bilge cleaned out every other week.
I was reading just yesterday about a group of pirates that seized a ship full of Russian tanks off the coast of Somalia who, in the words of their spokesman, would if attacked "defend ourselves until the last one of us dies." Now if pirates are willing to sacrifice themselves for a few Russian tanks, which since the fall of the Soviet Union have been about as difficult to get a hold of as the common cold, imagine the links they will go to secure something of real value, like say, your Girls Gone Wild: Wildest Party DVD Box Set or your prized pre-bald Britney CD collection. And I don't even want to think about what they would do to you to get their hands on a pair of your youngest daughter's Hannah Montana tickets.
So what can you do to protect you and at least some of your family from these pirates? Well, for starters I recommend staying away from water. This includes oceans, rivers, ponds, lakes, swimming pools, kiddie pools, bath tubs, and really big pot holes that collect rain. Just to be safe I would avoid coming into contact with any large cups as well.
I would also recommend starting a Pirate Watch program in your neighborhood. Each night a different neighbor could be enlisted to patrol the streets in search of marauding pirates who might be venturing forth into your area. As a word of caution, I might suggest that you start this program after October 31st. The last thing your neighborhood needs is a lot of frivolous lawsuits from parents who irresponsibly let there children dress as pirates for Halloween and are now angry because of the gunfire they were subjected to in your subdivision.
I want to apologize if I've frightened any of my readers today. This was not my intention, but I felt obligated to report this crisis and make the American people aware. I just couldn't have it on my conscience if pirates captured you and your loved ones and I had done nothing to warn you. But now that I've warned you the balls in your court. You can either heed my advice or you can choose to totally ignore it. It really doesn't matter to me-I've done my duty as a loyal American. However, if you do choose to ignore my words of warning and you do venture out into the open sea, just remember this one thing: when scrubbing parrot poop off the quarterdeck be sure to watch for Russian tanks.
Timothy Ward currently lives in Gainesville, Florida. You can read more of his writings and subscribe to his humor column at [http://itimothyward.weebly.com]
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